As this year comes to a close and everyone is talking about new years resolutions and what the next year will look like, I have instead decided to reflect back. What have I learnt this year, how did I grow, what filled my bucket and what emptied it? Do I have regrets and why?
This year was full of tears, struggles, hospital visits, medical gaslighting, aha moments, trauma release, trauma moments, letting go and stepping up. It was both a painful year and a year of joy. I am humbler, kinder and freer than I have ever been and yet I have never been so exhausted in my life.
The concept of “both/and” was basically the narrative of my year. Two things can exist at the same time. I had to learn to have Grace!
Words/phrases that featured in my year: Live, Grace, Mini Me, All the ME’s, Breathe, Be kind to yourself, Journey, Pain, Sadness, Anger, Frustrating, Joy, Letting Go, I am light, Voice, Rest, I don’t want to, Let them, No…
Emotions and learning how to name and feel them has been the center of almost everything I did this year. I never knew that there were so many and how wrong I have used some of them. How we says things to ourselves and others matter.
As the year draws to a close I see everyone making plans, resolutions, goals and have already been asked to join some on challenges. I have to stop my compulsive, competitive, go getter self to not jump into the fix it come January space and rather to remind myself what my new journey is all about. Becoming permanently disabled this year has taught me that if I don’t slow down, my body will make me slow down. So its easy for me to want to jump in and work hard to be better, feel better next year.
So instead I reflect and look back and think, what do I need, what do I want, what do I need to change and do to take small steps into progress and what does that look like for me?
For me it means one healthy step at a time, setting big goals, medium goals, small goals but then saying what will it take to do this. What do I need to give up to get there and am I even willing to do it? Because if I am not willing to give up coffee for the rest of my life, setting up that goal is setting myself up for failure. I know I am Gluten Intolerant, and therefore should try to stay away from it. But does that mean giving up Pasta, Pizza and Bread for the rest of my life or the occasional chocolate. HELL NO! I wont do that to myself, never again. It is just not worth it. But can I reduce it. YES! Can I substitute for healthier flours, home made, smaller portions or Gluten Free. Yes I can. Can I reduce my coffee and sugar, yes I can.
In the next few weeks to come my hope for myself going forward is to be kinder to myself and all the ME’s that came before me. To not guilt myself into progress because it has proven not to work. I hope this new found space I find myself in will lead to bored days, so I would want to be creative. Tired days with time to rest. Fun and days of work, that leads to days of self-care and nourishment. My wish for myself is to fill the movie I have always had in my mind of what my life will look like. My movie includes a beautiful big sun hat, with gardening gloves pruning my roses and harvesting from my vegetable garden. Lounging by the pool with a book or under a blanket by the fire place. Learning to cook from scratch and using my own harvested ingredients. Writing, and composing and inspiring myself. Reflecting, journaling, healing. Doing the hard work and pushing through the raw emotions. Helping and inspiring others and sharing what I have learnt through my own experience. Its a journey, a path, there is no destination.
So as this year comes to an end I am reminding myself that this is not a new beginning but a continuation of a road travelled on, the paths that follow might change, and might look different, but I cannot wait to see where it leads me, knowing that there is no destination on the other side. Just a life worth living!
Until next time…
