Have you ever said the words “I can’t” or “I cannot” and been told there is no such thing as “can’t”?
Have you ever thought that maybe this is exactly what we are supposed to say. That these little words are actually very powerful and extremely important for healing, self preservation, and boundaries.
The words ” I cannot” can also mean “I don’t want to”, “I won’t” or “I should not”.
Just because we can do something, does not always mean this is a good thing or that we should do something. Let’s look at some examples where ” I cannot” is a good and healthy statement.
Example 1:
Your friend invites you for coffee at 2pm in the afternoon. At around 1pm she lets you know she is running late and behind and asks if you can rather meet another day. You later in the afternoon receive a text from her asking you the following: “should my husband ask you or mentions our coffee date, please confirm that we did have coffee today”. This immediately makes you feel uneasy and you know something strange is up. What do you say? 1) Sure I don’t mind confirming this or lying to your husband or 2) No, I cannot do that as it will be wrong.
You see the above is a choice, you CAN say either statement one or statement two. But should you? Is it the right thing to do, and therefore can you really say statement one?
By saying ” I cannot” you will be saying the truth, you will be putting in a boundary, a healthy boundary. You will not potentially put yourself in a compromising position. You will not be going against your own values, you will not be hurting another person. There are probably a hundred reasons why saying ” I cannot” in this instance is a good thing to do.
Example 2:
You hurt your neck and have been asked by your doctors to not pack the dishwasher, pick up anything from the floor, pick up anything out of your car boot etc. You can do all these things, but this can potentially make your neck worse. One of your normal duties at home is to feed the animals. This requires you to bend down and pick up bowls, place them down on the floor again etc. You have been told not to do this as it can strain your neck. You have other family members in your home that can help you with this task while you heal. Would it be right for you to say I can do this, should someone ask you to feed the animals? No, it would not be. Therefore, the statement “I cannot feed the dogs” would be the correct statement. It would be against doctors orders not to do so, it would compromise your recovery or could potentially lead to you getting hurt further. Therefore just because you can physically accomplish the task does not mean you can or should.
So why is it that society tells us that these words are unacceptable. This is called toxic positivity, toxic “can do” attitudes. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is necessary to say “I can do this” to motivate yourself. I am not saying that we should just go down a rabbit hole “I can not’s”. But sometimes and probably more often than not, saying ” I cannot do this” is a healthy thing to do.
Here is some examples:
- I cannot come to your party this week, as I need some me time, I need rest.
- I cannot borrow you the money, as I do not want to create a awkward situation between us.
- You cannot come and stay with me, as this will cause to much stress on my marriage.
- I cannot come out for drinks, as I am saving up for a trip and this would be out of my current budget.
- I cannot discuss this with you, as right now I do not have the emotional capacity for this.
- I cannot not do this as it would be against my personal beliefs; ethics; law; nature.
Therefore the statement “I cannot” can equal “I don’t want to” or ” I should not”. These can all be true at the same time.
Also just because you might be able to do something in the future, does not mean you can do it now. So perhaps adding the words “right now” to your sentence is a possibility. ” I cannot help you, as I do not have capacity for this right now.” It means you might have capacity for this in the future, but right now you would need to say no to something else, to say “I can not” to something else in order to do this. So yes, the words, “I cannot” is a choice, it is a decision, but it is a necessary one.
Just because you can compromise yourself, give up your “me” time, have the finances to help, have an extra room in your house, have time off, have extra capacity, does not mean you should say yes.
Saying “I cannot” is a very important phrase.
Helen Keller says it very well ” I cannot do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do something that I can do”.
What we can and can’t do varies daily and it is important to know when you can and when you cannot. The only way to do this is to stay true to yourself. To know your own limits, your own boundaries and to be comfortable in knowing when you can and when you cannot. To know that it is okay to say I cannot and to back yourself. Both options is a choice, both options have consequences, saying “I cannot” is not a swear word, it is not defeatist, it is not wrong. It might be a necessity.
In the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend they discuss the above and they make it very clear that ” you need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you.” This leads to knowing what is right for you in this moment and what is not. The words “I can’t” helps you to distinguish these boundaries and to draw a line in the sand. The words ” I can’t right now” allows your to be open to possibility later should it be something you want.
Learn to say “I can’t” it might just liberate you in ways you might not have known before.
